11.4.2020 晴

又是这么多个月后的事了

2020年的第一篇
竟然是在被困在家里不能出门的情况下写的

今天是行动管制的第25天
呆在家快一个月了
不能上班就是没收入
每天躺在家里也不是办法
申请了蛮多工作
希望快点的到回复

第470天了
你过得好吗
有些事情就算是过去再久
想起还是会感到悲伤

那天我们提早去扫墓
别人说新墓不可以再正日扫
然后也说一定要先扫祖先的才可以扫新墓
所以我们决定同一天先回文冬
再到慈园
也可以顺便避免正日回文冬接触太多人

不知道是否冥冥中的安排
竟然在4天后就行动管制了
今年清明节不能回去扫墓
如果是这样的话我们两年没回文冬扫墓了
他们也说是你的安排

爷爷
我最最最想亲口告诉你的是
我毕业了
虽然你没有等到这一天
但我拿到毕业证书也向天上举了一下
希望你可以看到
然后和你刚认识的天使们说
我是你的骄傲
我在IG发了一篇文
是用英文发的
你可以顺便向他们展示你的英文能力

I think of you often. And sometimes I feel silly,
basing my decisions and actions off of someone whose option I can no longer ask,
questioning my choices because of words I can only hear in my head,
no longer spoken out by you.

I wonder where you are now
If you are playing cards in heaven
talking the ears off of every stranger you meet up there
filling the skies with the light from your smile.

I wonder if you watch me
shake your head when I do something senseless
I wonder if you tell the other angels about me
if you share stories of the girl I used to be
the woman I'm hopefully becoming.

It's been a long road without you here
I know I wasn't the only one hurt by your passing
I know it's selfish to even think of my suffering
as comparable to what others closed you were feeling, and still feel.

I wonder if you listen when I pray. if you're the one watching my footsteps
pushing me through when I feel tired.
I wonder if you forgive me for the ways I didn't love you
as much as I should have while you were here.
I wonder if you are proud of me, would be proud of me
if you were still alive.

I hope you'd see how much I do now

Days like today, I listen to the cars rushing by on the busy streets,
I open my blinds and watch the clouds and watch the clouds,
lazily across the sky.
I remind myself that this is the only life I've been given
and I haven't been promised an infinite number of days.

I remind myself that your meter expired, your time ran out
but your love will never fade
I'll try to keep living like you did
fully with all of your heart
even until your last breath.

I hope I honor your memory in the way I live and love
And I hope to make you proud
even if you're no longer here to see.

I hope you received this gift from me
Miss you.

I miss you
#day470